Anorexic Toy Soldiers

Believe it or not, I didn't only watch monster movies as a kid. I also enjoyed partaking in other childish behavior like playing Army. This included both running around and imagining great battles as well as playing with little plastic Army Men (like the ones in the movie "Toy Story").

Another interest was comic books of course. While not a voracious reader/collector of comics I did have my share of titles that I liked to read. They included "Sgt. Rock", "The Haunted Tank", "Swamp Thing" and "Micronauts" (which was based on the line of Micronauts toys by MEGO, which I also loved).

Regardless of the comic book, one of the most interesting things in them (for me at least) was always the ads. You could find (seemingly) amazing stuff available to kids for a very small price. I imagine that everyone remembers the classic "X-Ray Specs"--which filled pre-pubescent boys' minds with visions of being able to see through women's clothing (as well as seeing the bones of your hand through the skin I suppose--but that was pretty minor compared to seeing through clothes!). Other things offered in the pages of those comics (as well as magazines like Boy's Life) included Sea Monkeys, hovercrafts, six-wheel all-terrain vehicles, 8mm movies, T-shirt iron-ons, posters, magic tricks, practical joke stuff (disappearing ink, snapping gum packs, hand buzzers, soap bars that stain the hands of those using it...), and on and on and on... This isn't even mentioning all those ads for things you could sell to earn prizes. You could sell greeting cards, subscriptions and even Grit (whatever the heck that was!). Prizes included telescopes, remote-control cars, walkie-talkies, watches, binoculars, metal detectors...

There are many places online to find those old ads and discussions about them by people who grew up reading them and wanting all that great stuff. There's a message board dedicated to the old Boston-area Saturday afternoon show Creature Double Feature that I'm active on. A thread was started there a couple years ago that's all about comic book ads. See it here. And here's a site that's full of old comic book ads: Comic Book Ads.

I wasn't able to actually send away for many of these treasures, and that was probably a good thing. Most of these offers were just ways to separate kids from their (or, more likely, their parents') money. The actual products left a lot to be desired compared to what the descriptions and pictures in the ads stated. One of the few ads I was able to respond to was this one:

ONE HUNDRED toy soldiers for only A DOLLAR AND SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS?!? AND they were all packed in your very own footlocker too? Sign me up! I remember sending in my money and waiting impatiently for the package to arrive. When it did, I distinctly recall the feeling of disappointment when I saw the "footlocker" and its contents. I guess that the people who put this offer out were cashing in on the naivety, gullibility and imagination of kids. They actually delivered everything they promised, but it simply was not what one expected when sending in the order form. I remember trying to play with the set a couple of times before putting it away and never seeing it again. Or, at least never seeing it again until...

Last summer I picked up a number of "Micronauts" comics at a couple comic book stores. Apparently "Micronauts" never became a highly sought after collectible title, so I was able to pick up a bunch of them for around fifty cents apiece. Even though thirty or more years have passed since I first purchased these comics, the covers instantly evoke old feelings and memories. I recognized a couple of the covers like I just read them yesterday instead of decades ago. Issue number five was one of these covers:

Inside this very same issue is the old ad for the 100 Toy Soldier set. That is the one I ended up scanning for the photo above. It may have very well been the exact issue that I originally ordered my set from (though that's purely speculation). Anyway, it was neat to see some of these old comics (and the ads within) that I fondly remembered from my youth.

Fast forward to last week. I was at my parents' house and poking around in the attic. I found an old box of stuff I had put up there many years ago. Not sure exactly what was in it, I brought it home to check out. Wouldn't you know, buried in that box was my very own little footlocker filled with Army men. Yes, the very same 100 Toy Soldier set I bought all those years ago had somehow avoided being thrown out--as has traditionally been the fate of so many childhood memories. Suddenly I had a physical form to put with my vague memories of the set. I could see exactly why I had been so disappointed when it came in the mail. At the same time I actually managed to find a greater appreciation for the set. More on that later. For now, here is my very own set of 100 toy soldiers!

Here's the "footlocker" that the set came in. I was disappointed by this. I imagined it being a lot larger (and even being green--as it was in the ad). To be fair, the ad did specify its dimensions as 6 1/2" X 3" X 2 3/8". Other than the color, it actually does look just like the one in the ad! Because they called it a "Toy Storage Box" I was envisioning something that I could actually use as a cool toy box in my room.

And, here's what's left of the set itself:

Ready for battle once again after all these years!

Here are some of the individual parts (and note how "HONG KONG" is proudly emblazoned on the vehicles!):

TANK

TRUCK

JEEP

CANNON

BOMBER and JET PLANE

MACHINEGUNNER

SHARPSHOOTER, MARKSMAN, RIFLEMAN and INFANTRYMAN

(Not exactly sure which is which)

That is certainly a lot of product for $1.75. I counted a total of 85 pieces in my box. Most likely a few were lost/broken during the short period of time that I played with them, but I have a feeling that I never received exactly 100 pieces to begin with. There is a list of what you were supposed to get on the comic book ad:

While I am missing a number of pieces (whether because they weren't included or because I lost/broke them) there are also some items that I received too many of. For instance, there were supposed to be four Riflemen--I have five. There were supposed to be four Machinegunners--I have seven. They didn't seem to put too much effort into quality control (what do you want for a buck-seventy-five?). But, whether I received 100 pieces or only 85, this still seems like a pretty good deal for the price. So why was I (and so many other kids who sent away for this set) so disappointed? I suppose a lot of it can simply be chalked up to the imagination of a child. Looking at the "Imaginary War Scene" depicted in the ad and picturing 100 toy soldiers in my mind made me expect quite a bit from this offer. I was also expecting these soldiers to be like the Army Men I already owned. These ones were of a similar size, but...they were wafer-thin! Check out this Bazookaman for an example:

From the side he looks fine...

But, from head on, he was quite...skinny.

Another problem was the fact that eight WAVES (Women Accepted for Voluntary Emergency Service) and eight WACS (Women's Army Corps) were included. I had no problem with them including some of these--but SIXTEEN? They just stood at attention. It wasn't like you could put them in the middle of a battle. Not only that, but they looked very similar to each other. There are subtle differences, but I don't really know which ones are supposed to be WAVES and which are WACS. The ones on the right in the photo below appear to have rank insignia on their left shoulders, so I'm guessing they are the WACS.

Along the same lines, the eight Officers included were also pretty useless. They were standing at attention too--the only difference was that they were also saluting. I suppose you could have set up a nice diorama of a company of WAVES and WACS in formation with an Officer(or eight) saluting them, but that's not really what I envisioned doing with my Toy Soldier set. I was more interested in recreating the "Imaginary War Scene Shown" in the ad.

A dramatic formation of seven WAVES, seven WACS and six Officers!

Between the WAVES, WACS and Officers (24) you had nearly a quarter of your total set made up of items you couldn't really use in battle. The funny thing about the number of women soldiers included was that this set came out LONG before Political Correctness came along and dictated such things. I could see a set of army men coming out these days that included soldiers of many different races and nationalities as well as of both sexes, but I wouldn't have expected that in the late 1970s/early 1980s.

I think the most glaring problem (besides the flatness of the pieces) was one of scale. They included not only soldiers, tanks, cannon, trucks, Jeeps and planes, but also included sailors, battleships and cruisers. My set only has one remaining sailor (who seems very lonely and out of place). The problem is that the sailor (as well as the rest of the soldiers for that matter) is nearly as big as the battleships! It's hard to imagine (even with a child's active imagination) a crew of sailors being able to board and run these mighty ships.

To make things worse, the sailors are even larger than the cruisers! That just doesn't work, no matter how much you try to suspend disbelief.

So how is it that I can now have a greater appreciation for this set that disappointed me so much as a kid? Well, the ad really didn't lie--other than the exact number of soldiers (100 vs. 85) I got pretty much exactly what I paid for and what they promised. The footlocker did look like the one in the ad (other than being white instead of green). They clearly state the dimensions of the footlocker, the fact that it's made of "pasteboard", and that the ad depicts an "Imaginary War Scene". And, the soldiers and vehicles even do look much like the ones in the ad (other than being flat of course). Note how you can even re-create scenes from the comic book ad using the pieces of the set. To wit:

Pretty impressive re-creation, huh?

While the pieces of the set don't resemble the traditional Army Men toys I was expecting, it's hard to say that I didn't get my money's worth. Even if there were only 85 pieces when I received the set, that's comes out to about two cents apiece--and that doesn't include the "footlocker" or the shipping (which today would cost well over $1.75 itself). The ad states "Satisfaction guaranteed or money refunded". I wonder how many people took them up on this. Considering how much it would probably cost to send the set back to get your $1.75 back, it would be cheaper and easier to simply toss the whole thing in the trash.

I guess the best thing that kids could have gotten out of this set was a valuable life lesson. They learned that adults were willing to take advantage of anyone to make a quick buck (even naive little kids). Other important lessons include: "Let the buyer beware" (Caveat Emptor), "You get what you pay for", "If it looks too good to be true then it probably is" and "A fool and his money are soon parted". Lesson learned.

Death, Destruction And The American Monster-Kid

It's strange how when you're a kid you kind of expect certain things from life, and you have a specific idea of what life is. As a grown-up you realize that many of the things you thought as a child were naive--and possibly even unrealistic. But, that's part of the point of being a kid, isn't it?

Everyone's life is different, and everyone's life is unique to them. So many variables--both big and small--go into what makes us who we are that there's no way to expect two different people to be exactly the same. Experience is a huge part of what influences our personalities and outlooks, and many things that we may or may not consider important combine to mold us as we change from children into adults: where we live, who our parents are, our social and economic positions, people we are exposed to (friends, family, acquaintences, people we randomly come in contact with...), and so on and so forth...

I was lucky enough to not have experienced much in the way of hardship as a child. I wouldn't go so far as to describe my youth as "perfect", but at the same time I don't have much to complain about either. I know people who suffered a lot more than I did as a kid--people who lost parents and other loved ones at a young age. My father is currently battling cancer. While I know what the eventual outcome of this battle will be, I also know that I've been very lucky to have had both my parents with me for the forty-plus years I've been on this planet.

Having said all that, here are three random events from my youth that I can't help but feel had an influence on me (whether direct or indirect) because of the sheer unexpectedness and uniqueness of them. When you have your own child-like idea of what life is, and what it should be, unexpected events can easily shake those ideas--that's part of the reason they're "unexpected" after all. All three of these things felt very out of the ordinary and shocked me in some way. Life happens, and as humans we more-or-less have to remember to expect the unexpected--as impossible as it may be to do so.

Random Event #1: A Death in the Family

When I was in second grade my grandfather died. While not as traumatic as losing a parent, it certainly was a big learning experience for me. I was young enough that I didn't really understand what was going on. My grandfather (on my mother's side) was the only one of my grandparents that I really had a chance to get to know. The rest had either died before I was born or when I was too young to know them. My grandfather had lived with us for the last few years of his life, and I remember visiting him in his room--where he'd always give me some Nilla Wafers (he always seemed to have a box of them in his room).

When my grandfather died I became acutely aware of not only my own mortality, but more importantly, the mortality of those around me. It was the first time I realized that my parents, loved ones, friends and even myself would eventually die. Yes, that's one of the most basic traits that makes us human (you know what they say about death and taxes), but I hadn't needed to know it before then. I'd seen people killed off in movies and on TV, and even "died" myself while playing Army, but death seemed like more of a plot device than a reality. I'm pretty sure that my grandfather's death combined with my problem with the concept of time (as detailed in Monster Dad vs. Time) to make me a bit more morbid in my attitudes than I really should have been as a second-grader.

Random Event #2: A Death at Sea

When I was in the Cub Scouts as a kid my Pack visited the Battleship Massachusetts in Fall River (MA). It was a great time except for one odd moment. My fellow Scouts and I had a grand old time touring the battleship and the rest of the exhibits of Battleship Cove. I distinctly recall having an acute sense of history as we toured the mighty ship and learned a lot about life on a battleship in the days of World War II. But the random event that happened also sticks in my mind and tends to overshadow the rest of the day. It was totally unrelated to the day-trip we were on (and thus was "random"). While on the deck of the Massachusetts we saw a police boat speeding by in the water below. We all thought is was a cool thing to see (kind of like an unscheduled bonus feature of the tour). Heck, I didn't even know that there was such a thing as a police boat before then. After the boat was out of sight we resumed gawking at the huge sixteen-inch guns of the Massachusetts, and pretty much forgot about it.

Battleship Cove in Fall River, MA

As the day ended and we headed toward our Scout Leader's car we noticed that the police boat we had seen in the water was now on a trailer in the parking lot. What a great opportunity to check out this cool thing a little more up close. A police officer was standing near the boat and kind of nonchalantly motioned to us to keep away from the area. I figured he just didn't want us kids getting too close to the boat, but he didn't seem overly concerned. As we continued to work our way around the area we noticed something even more unusual. There was a metal sled-like thing (the closest thing I can describe it as is one of those rescue "stretchers" that they use to lift someone onto a helicopter) on the ground with a lifeless body on it. The metal looked pretty oily and appeared to have been in the water for some time. I don't know it the body was found on the metal thing or if it was placed on it later, but needless to say, the body was the main focus of my young eyes as we passed by. It was the body of a man. He was wearing a white t-shirt and appeared to either be rather obese, or his stomach was simply bloated from spending an amount of time submerged in the water. His shirt and body were stained with oil and other contaminates that one would expect from a busy waterway like Fall River. We were only exposed to the body for a short time, but it felt much longer (in fact it seemed like time slowed down as we passed by it). And, of course, that quick sighting of a dead body quickly overshadowed everything else we had seen on our tour of Battleship Cove that day.

Random Event #3: The Accident

I've also been lucky enough to have not been involved in a major car accident in my life (so far). But my third unexpected, random event does revolve around a car accident.

My mom was making hot dogs for dinner one summer evening. She sent me to the local convenience store to pick up some hot dog buns. I hopped on my bike and started out for the store. As I approached the end of our street I heard a loud metallic banging sound. The only thing I could picture was a large garbage dumpster being overturned. As I reached the end of our street and looked left to make sure no traffic was coming I saw something very unexpected--a car on its roof, resting perpendicular to the road. Apparently the driver took the turn too fast and hit the inclined bank of dirt on the shoulder of the road. In another example of time seeming to slow down I remember everything being very quiet and still. No police were around the accident scene; no one was trying to help the driver; no other traffic was driving by. The accident had just happened and I was the first person on the scene. I hoped that another car would happen by, or that someone would come out of one of the nearby houses, but it was just me and the car. Without really thinking I jumped off my bike and ran over to the car. I was struck by the oddity of trying to open a car door that was upside-down. The driver-side door was hard to open and it creaked pretty loudly when it did open (obviously the weight on the roof had partially jammed the door). As I opened the door I was also aware of a pretty distinct smell of gasoline. Looking into the car's interior I saw the driver. It was a woman who was sprawled out on the roof. She was apparently unconscious (at least I hoped she was only unconscious). I asked "Are you okay" and got no response.

Still no one was coming around to help or tell me what to do. I can't remember ever wishing so hard for an adult to show up. It seemed like I would have to go for help myself. For whatever reason (I obviously wasn't thinking clearly or logically at that particular moment) I didn't go to one of the houses nearby to ask for help. Instead, I ran down the hill and knocked on the door of a house that I delivered newspapers to on my paper route. Luckily someone answered and I asked them to call the police because there had been an accident up the street. Once they made the call I returned to my bike and headed straight for home. I remember being both terrified by what I had just experienced and worried that my mother would be mad at me for not getting the hot dog buns she sent me out for as I pedaled my way home. My mother said that she saw me coming up the street and knew something was wrong because I was as white as a sheet. I believe that I heard a few days later that the driver of the car was okay, but for the rest of that night (at least) I was a nervous wreck.

Exactly how all these events affected me I can't really say. Whether they had a major influence on me or whether they were more subtle in their effect, I do know that they were unexpected little chapters that happened suddenly and which I still carry with me in some way.