It's the End of the World as We Know it and I Feel Full

Today (May 21, 2011) is supposedly Judgment Day and the date of The Rapture (according to some). I'm going to assume that if you're reading this that the date came and went without incident. I seem to have heard/read somewhere that the actual Rapture is supposed to happen at 6:00 PM. That's a pretty precise pinpointing, but I don't know if that's 6:00 PM EST (my time) or if it's 6:00 on the west coast, or 6:00 PM Greenwich Mean Time, or 6:00 PM in Australia...

Anyway, I figured that the impending Judgment Day was a perfect time for me to take stock of my Zombie Apocalypse supplies. I have a number of MREs (Meals, Ready to Eat) and it's always a good idea to rotate your stock if you have them in storage--getting rid of older ones and replacing them with newer ones. I had two-each of Menu No. 6 (Chicken With Noodles) and decided to eat the older one (which was from 2007) to commemorate this (non) momentous occasion!

Here's my two Chicken With Noodles MREs

The one on the left is the one from 2007 (today's lunch)

MREs are a shelf-stable ration designed for the U.S. Armed Forces. They make an excellent choice for camping, hunting, hiking and stocking up for disasters (both natural and man-made). A lot of people don't appreciate MREs (they're not exactly five-star-restaurant-cuisine or anything). But if you find yourself looking for something to eat after a hurricane (Katrina for example) or an earthquake (like the recent one in Japan) they suddenly seem VERY appetizing, to say the least.

MRE's have changed a lot since the late-1980s, when I was in the Army. Not only has the flavor quality improved, the menus themselves have gotten a lot more appetizing-sounding too. The people who design, develop and produce MREs are constantly working to improve not only their shelf life, but also the quality, flavor and variety of them. They know that the main consumer of MREs are the soldiers who are out there doing their duty for our country.

The Chicken With Noodles MRE that I chose for this review had a date code of 7171 (see photo above). For more information about how to read date codes check out this page at MREInfo.com. MREInfo.com is the place to go for pretty much anything you ever wanted to know about MREs and other rations. This particular MRE was sealed up on the 170th day of 2007, which means it is four years old. Believe it or not, that's still pretty young for an MRE that's been stored appropriately. They can easily last ten years or more and still be edible. Since I bought this one on eBay and don't know its history I have no idea if it was stored well or not. Oh well, that's what a taste test is for.

Here's our MRE for today

Here's what the contents look like when pulled out of the bag

And here are all the contents spread out for easy viewing

Here's a list of the contents of my Chicken With Noodles MRE (and their date codes, where applicable):

• Chicken, Noodles, Vegetables in Sauce (7128C)
• Cocoa Beverage Powder (7108)
• Crackers (7163)
• Cheese Spread (7101)
• Chocolate Sports Bar W/Chocolate Coating (7115)
• Peanut M&M's
• Accessory Pack "A"* (A 7169)
• Tabasco Sauce
• Flameless Ration Heater (FRH)
• Hot Beverage Bag
• Spoon

*Accessory Pack "A" contains: instant coffee, creamer, sugar, salt, matches, toilet paper, moist towelette and chewing gum.

Here's the accessory pack

And the other side of the accessory pack (note the "A" before the date code)

Here's a few examples of the date codes stamped on most components

The Flameless Ration Heater is a great addition to MREs that wasn't around when I was in the Army. We usually just ate them cold. There weren't many options for heating them up in the field. You weren't likely to have a chance to build a campfire and boil a pot of water. If you had a vehicle of some sort at your disposal, you could put an entree on the engine block, or in front of the heater. Otherwise you would most likely just have to accept the fact that you were going to be eating your meal at whatever temperature it was at the moment. Nowadays, you can put your entree (plus your side dish, coffee and/or cocoa if you want) into the FRH, add a little water, and it will heat it all up in about ten or fifteen minutes. I decided to eat this MRE as though I was in the field and didn't have anything that wasn't included in it (other than water). This means that I used the FRH for the Chicken With Noodles.

This is our entree for today (Chicken, Noodles, Vegetables In Sauce)

And, here it is out of the cardboard envelope, with the FRH underneath

One of the "funniest" things about MREs is something that is found in the instructions for the FRH. You are supposed to stuff your food to be heated into the FRH, add a small amount of water, fold the top over, stuff it back into the cardboard box the entree came in and then elevate the top of the whole assembly at an angle for maximum heating efficiency. The instructions include little illustrations to make it as easy to understand as possible (including for people who don't read English or don't read at all). The picture that tells you to elevate the FRH shows it resting on a rock, and it says "Rock Or Something".

Instructions on the FRH

And a closeup of the infamous "Rock Or Something"!

I also love this warning for people who might be tempted to eat the chemical heating unit in the FRH!

The FRH with the entree inside, already activated with water

The heating assembly put back into the entree's box and propped up on a "Rock Or Something"

Because of the amount of food (and calories, sodium, fat, sugar, carbs...) that an MRE contains (roughly the amount an active soldier in the field would need for a day), I didn't eat everything in this one in one sitting. I didn't drink the coffee (as I am not a coffee drinker) and saved the M&M's, Crackers and Cheese Spread for later. An entire MRE can certainly be eaten in one sitting (depending on the needs of the individual), but it can also be spread out to last for two--or even three--meals if necessary.

Cheese and crackers will make a nice snack later (as will the Peanut M&M's)

While waiting for the Chicken and Noodles to heat up I went ahead and added water to the Cocoa Beverage Powder and shook it up. The newer pouches for most of the beverage powders have a little zip-lock top so you can pour water in and shake it up right in the pouch with no mess. In the old days you's have to mix it in your canteen cup or try to stir it up in the smaller pouches they used to come it. Either way, you usually ended up with a bit of a mess.

Here's the Cocoa Powder pouch (note the contoured shape which makes it easier to grip for shaking)

Once the cocoa was made and the Chicken With Noodles was heated up it was time to eat. I don't exactly have an "educated palate" or anything, but I think that I would know something that tasted terrible if I ate it. I certainly give MREs a lot of leeway when it comes to flavor because of the fact that it's designed to sit in a plastic bag and be stored for months or years before being eaten--and still remain safe to eat. I would never directly compare what's found in an MRE to something that I might expect to be served in a fine restaurant. That being said, I thought the Chicken With Noodles tasted very good. I certainly wouldn't complain if I were out in the field and this was the only thing available for me to eat. In fact, I can think of a few things that might be available that I would choose this over. The chicken may be processed, but it does taste like chicken. The noodles are fine. There aren't a lot of the promised vegetables (but I'm not a big veggie guy anyway). And the whole thing is held together by a rather thick gravy sauce that tastes salty, but good. I really saw nothing to complain about with this entree (and keep in mind that it was four years old too!). Most MREs today contain a little bottle of Tabasco sauce (ostensibly to counter the bad taste of an entree and cover it up with a little kick of spice). I've never used the Tabasco on my MREs. While I'm not a big fan of spicy food in general, I've also never felt that the flavor of (the vast majority of ) the meals I've had really needed to be covered up.

This meal is now "Ready to Eat"

Trust me, it tastes better than it looks

Come on, you know you want to try it!

The cocoa was sweet and chocolatey, and I thought it was fine drinking it cold rather than hot. The Chocolate Sports Bar was basically your standard energy bar. Pretty much a chewy candy bar. I like sweets, so I had no problem with this either. As far as the stuff I didn't eat, I already know what to expect from Peanut M&M's (though it would be interesting to see how a four year old pack of them would hold up compared to the components that were actually designed to keep food fresh for up to ten years). And I already know that I like the Crackers and the Cheese Spread. This particular one was a plain spread, but they also come in different varieties (Cheese Spread With Jalapenos, Cheese Spread With Bacon), and there are also quite a few different types of peanut butter and jelly too.

Cocoa...shaken, not stirred (and cold, not hot)

The Chocolate Sports Bar, W/Chocolate Covering (shows some signs of aging, but tasted fine)

Do you think you'd like to try an MRE? Let's hope that you never find yourself in a situation where you have to eat one. But if you do, I think you'll find that they're nothing to be too worried about. It's all real food. Maybe not exactly what you'd want to eat on a daily basis, but it will keep you alive if it's a choice between an MRE and starvation. Oh yeah, there are a number of vegetarian entrees among the 24 different meals too.

I also made a video of this particular MRE opening/eating, and posted it on YouTube. If you just can't get enough of this stuff, check it out!

Anorexic Toy Soldiers

Believe it or not, I didn't only watch monster movies as a kid. I also enjoyed partaking in other childish behavior like playing Army. This included both running around and imagining great battles as well as playing with little plastic Army Men (like the ones in the movie "Toy Story").

Another interest was comic books of course. While not a voracious reader/collector of comics I did have my share of titles that I liked to read. They included "Sgt. Rock", "The Haunted Tank", "Swamp Thing" and "Micronauts" (which was based on the line of Micronauts toys by MEGO, which I also loved).

Regardless of the comic book, one of the most interesting things in them (for me at least) was always the ads. You could find (seemingly) amazing stuff available to kids for a very small price. I imagine that everyone remembers the classic "X-Ray Specs"--which filled pre-pubescent boys' minds with visions of being able to see through women's clothing (as well as seeing the bones of your hand through the skin I suppose--but that was pretty minor compared to seeing through clothes!). Other things offered in the pages of those comics (as well as magazines like Boy's Life) included Sea Monkeys, hovercrafts, six-wheel all-terrain vehicles, 8mm movies, T-shirt iron-ons, posters, magic tricks, practical joke stuff (disappearing ink, snapping gum packs, hand buzzers, soap bars that stain the hands of those using it...), and on and on and on... This isn't even mentioning all those ads for things you could sell to earn prizes. You could sell greeting cards, subscriptions and even Grit (whatever the heck that was!). Prizes included telescopes, remote-control cars, walkie-talkies, watches, binoculars, metal detectors...

There are many places online to find those old ads and discussions about them by people who grew up reading them and wanting all that great stuff. There's a message board dedicated to the old Boston-area Saturday afternoon show Creature Double Feature that I'm active on. A thread was started there a couple years ago that's all about comic book ads. See it here. And here's a site that's full of old comic book ads: Comic Book Ads.

I wasn't able to actually send away for many of these treasures, and that was probably a good thing. Most of these offers were just ways to separate kids from their (or, more likely, their parents') money. The actual products left a lot to be desired compared to what the descriptions and pictures in the ads stated. One of the few ads I was able to respond to was this one:

ONE HUNDRED toy soldiers for only A DOLLAR AND SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS?!? AND they were all packed in your very own footlocker too? Sign me up! I remember sending in my money and waiting impatiently for the package to arrive. When it did, I distinctly recall the feeling of disappointment when I saw the "footlocker" and its contents. I guess that the people who put this offer out were cashing in on the naivety, gullibility and imagination of kids. They actually delivered everything they promised, but it simply was not what one expected when sending in the order form. I remember trying to play with the set a couple of times before putting it away and never seeing it again. Or, at least never seeing it again until...

Last summer I picked up a number of "Micronauts" comics at a couple comic book stores. Apparently "Micronauts" never became a highly sought after collectible title, so I was able to pick up a bunch of them for around fifty cents apiece. Even though thirty or more years have passed since I first purchased these comics, the covers instantly evoke old feelings and memories. I recognized a couple of the covers like I just read them yesterday instead of decades ago. Issue number five was one of these covers:

Inside this very same issue is the old ad for the 100 Toy Soldier set. That is the one I ended up scanning for the photo above. It may have very well been the exact issue that I originally ordered my set from (though that's purely speculation). Anyway, it was neat to see some of these old comics (and the ads within) that I fondly remembered from my youth.

Fast forward to last week. I was at my parents' house and poking around in the attic. I found an old box of stuff I had put up there many years ago. Not sure exactly what was in it, I brought it home to check out. Wouldn't you know, buried in that box was my very own little footlocker filled with Army men. Yes, the very same 100 Toy Soldier set I bought all those years ago had somehow avoided being thrown out--as has traditionally been the fate of so many childhood memories. Suddenly I had a physical form to put with my vague memories of the set. I could see exactly why I had been so disappointed when it came in the mail. At the same time I actually managed to find a greater appreciation for the set. More on that later. For now, here is my very own set of 100 toy soldiers!

Here's the "footlocker" that the set came in. I was disappointed by this. I imagined it being a lot larger (and even being green--as it was in the ad). To be fair, the ad did specify its dimensions as 6 1/2" X 3" X 2 3/8". Other than the color, it actually does look just like the one in the ad! Because they called it a "Toy Storage Box" I was envisioning something that I could actually use as a cool toy box in my room.

And, here's what's left of the set itself:

Ready for battle once again after all these years!

Here are some of the individual parts (and note how "HONG KONG" is proudly emblazoned on the vehicles!):

TANK

TRUCK

JEEP

CANNON

BOMBER and JET PLANE

MACHINEGUNNER

SHARPSHOOTER, MARKSMAN, RIFLEMAN and INFANTRYMAN

(Not exactly sure which is which)

That is certainly a lot of product for $1.75. I counted a total of 85 pieces in my box. Most likely a few were lost/broken during the short period of time that I played with them, but I have a feeling that I never received exactly 100 pieces to begin with. There is a list of what you were supposed to get on the comic book ad:

While I am missing a number of pieces (whether because they weren't included or because I lost/broke them) there are also some items that I received too many of. For instance, there were supposed to be four Riflemen--I have five. There were supposed to be four Machinegunners--I have seven. They didn't seem to put too much effort into quality control (what do you want for a buck-seventy-five?). But, whether I received 100 pieces or only 85, this still seems like a pretty good deal for the price. So why was I (and so many other kids who sent away for this set) so disappointed? I suppose a lot of it can simply be chalked up to the imagination of a child. Looking at the "Imaginary War Scene" depicted in the ad and picturing 100 toy soldiers in my mind made me expect quite a bit from this offer. I was also expecting these soldiers to be like the Army Men I already owned. These ones were of a similar size, but...they were wafer-thin! Check out this Bazookaman for an example:

From the side he looks fine...

But, from head on, he was quite...skinny.

Another problem was the fact that eight WAVES (Women Accepted for Voluntary Emergency Service) and eight WACS (Women's Army Corps) were included. I had no problem with them including some of these--but SIXTEEN? They just stood at attention. It wasn't like you could put them in the middle of a battle. Not only that, but they looked very similar to each other. There are subtle differences, but I don't really know which ones are supposed to be WAVES and which are WACS. The ones on the right in the photo below appear to have rank insignia on their left shoulders, so I'm guessing they are the WACS.

Along the same lines, the eight Officers included were also pretty useless. They were standing at attention too--the only difference was that they were also saluting. I suppose you could have set up a nice diorama of a company of WAVES and WACS in formation with an Officer(or eight) saluting them, but that's not really what I envisioned doing with my Toy Soldier set. I was more interested in recreating the "Imaginary War Scene Shown" in the ad.

A dramatic formation of seven WAVES, seven WACS and six Officers!

Between the WAVES, WACS and Officers (24) you had nearly a quarter of your total set made up of items you couldn't really use in battle. The funny thing about the number of women soldiers included was that this set came out LONG before Political Correctness came along and dictated such things. I could see a set of army men coming out these days that included soldiers of many different races and nationalities as well as of both sexes, but I wouldn't have expected that in the late 1970s/early 1980s.

I think the most glaring problem (besides the flatness of the pieces) was one of scale. They included not only soldiers, tanks, cannon, trucks, Jeeps and planes, but also included sailors, battleships and cruisers. My set only has one remaining sailor (who seems very lonely and out of place). The problem is that the sailor (as well as the rest of the soldiers for that matter) is nearly as big as the battleships! It's hard to imagine (even with a child's active imagination) a crew of sailors being able to board and run these mighty ships.

To make things worse, the sailors are even larger than the cruisers! That just doesn't work, no matter how much you try to suspend disbelief.

So how is it that I can now have a greater appreciation for this set that disappointed me so much as a kid? Well, the ad really didn't lie--other than the exact number of soldiers (100 vs. 85) I got pretty much exactly what I paid for and what they promised. The footlocker did look like the one in the ad (other than being white instead of green). They clearly state the dimensions of the footlocker, the fact that it's made of "pasteboard", and that the ad depicts an "Imaginary War Scene". And, the soldiers and vehicles even do look much like the ones in the ad (other than being flat of course). Note how you can even re-create scenes from the comic book ad using the pieces of the set. To wit:

Pretty impressive re-creation, huh?

While the pieces of the set don't resemble the traditional Army Men toys I was expecting, it's hard to say that I didn't get my money's worth. Even if there were only 85 pieces when I received the set, that's comes out to about two cents apiece--and that doesn't include the "footlocker" or the shipping (which today would cost well over $1.75 itself). The ad states "Satisfaction guaranteed or money refunded". I wonder how many people took them up on this. Considering how much it would probably cost to send the set back to get your $1.75 back, it would be cheaper and easier to simply toss the whole thing in the trash.

I guess the best thing that kids could have gotten out of this set was a valuable life lesson. They learned that adults were willing to take advantage of anyone to make a quick buck (even naive little kids). Other important lessons include: "Let the buyer beware" (Caveat Emptor), "You get what you pay for", "If it looks too good to be true then it probably is" and "A fool and his money are soon parted". Lesson learned.